Postpartum depression is sneaky. For me, it was more than a year after my daughter was born when I began to realize that I had experienced months of postpartum depression. Thankfully, the first time around it was mild. With my second child, however, it hit me hard, along with a significant spike in anxiety.
I am not good at asking for help when things get bad, and this is not uncommon in women with postpartum depression. Reaching out and explaining what we need takes too much energy. It’s easier to shut down and try to survive.
So what happens when a friend starts to show signs of depression or anxiety, sometime during the year after having her baby? I brainstormed with the women in my postpartum support group, and this is what we came up with:
- Offer a judgement-free zone. PPD wreaks havoc on a mother’s mind. We feel inadequate. We question our decisions. We may even have horrible, intrusive thoughts about harm coming to our baby, if we have OCD. And chances are, our house looks like crap and so do we. The last thing any new mama needs is to be afraid to say what’s really going on in her head, or feel like she has to clean her house in order for anyone to drop by and offer support. So be clear that you are there for her to talk about all of it; the good and the bad.
- Cook her meals, or order her favourite takeout. Don’t ask if you can do this, unless you know she’s got lots of people doing this already. Stock her fridge and freezer, because chances are, she can’t wrap her head around eating cereal, never mind cooking a healthy meal. If you aren’t much of a cook yourself, order some healthy takeout that will leave your pal with enough leftovers for another meal or two. Also? Do this regularly. The worst part about postpartum depression is when people stop helping you, but you still need help.
- Get her out of the house. Maybe you can take the baby for an hour while she goes shopping. Maybe you have to take her by the hand and make her walk around the block with you. Either way, she needs to get out of the house, for her sanity. It will help her in ways she may not even realize.
- Check in regularly. Call. Every day, if you can. Check to see if she showered, or ate breakfast. Ask her how she’s feeling. Let her vent. Tell her to go for a walk, if she hasn’t today. Actively listen and allow her to vent. She may not have the energy to call you and ask for an ear to listen. She may not answer the phone because she doesn’t want to talk that day. She may hate the idea of typing out texts, or she may prefer it. But don’t give up on her. She needs you.
- Keep visits short. Hanging out with your bestie and her new bundle of joy (or bundle of colic) may seem like a great way to spend an afternoon, but you may be depriving her of some much-needed rest. Depression is energy-sapping and babies are energy-sapping. And while social calls can really help perk her up, she may be “on” for too long if you’re there for longer than an hour. At that point, you’re doing more harm than good.
Postpartum depression can be incredibly scary and isolating, and it can be so difficult to reach out for the help that is so desperately needed. By moving your shoulder in close for your girlfriend to lean on, offering some or all of these ideas of support to her, you will help her through an incredibly difficult time. And she will be so grateful. Trust me.
