Tips on How To Stay Sane With a Baby Who Still Won’t Sleep “Through The Night”

Sleep and babies. Here is a topic that’s hardly ever talked about. (Can someone please invent a font for sarcasm?).

First of all, my usual disclaimer; I am not technically considered an expert on this; just a sleep deprived momma, looking out for the best for her baby and trying to also rely on her instincts. Sound like anyone you know? I am sure this is most of us.  I have had many mornings of feeling tired (as usual), discouraged after an-other night of broken sleep and feeling the overwhelming pressure of needing to “figure out” how to get my baby to "sleep through the night". 

Second of all, I promise you that this is not another “how to get your baby to sleep 101″ article; just some reflection, inspiration and encouragement for all those moms that feel like they just aren’t nailing this whole sleeping baby thing.  When Heather (from momstown) suggested maybe a post on my sleep training tips, I laughed and thought I absolutely had no business giving advice on this. My baby still relies on me (for the most part) to get him to sleep.  Then, after talking to many women and the positive response to this previous article I wrote, I realized that a lot of women co-sleep, nurse to sleep, help their children sleep for awhile and just don't worry about it.  So here’s something you don’t hear very often on this subject–stop worrying about sleep so much.  Maybe you just need to keep doing what is going to get you by for the next little while and stop obsessing about how and when your baby is going to sleep.  Worrying about sleep is exhausting. 

So take it or leave it, but here are my tips for staying sane when a full night’s sleep is a nothing more than a fond memory from your past and you're not sure where the light at the end of the tunnel is.

1.) Realize that all babies are different and will sleep when they are ready.

You need to stop feeling like you are doing something wrong because your baby isn’t sleeping yet. Spoiler alert:  Most babies don’t sleep well for awhile.  They trick you into thinking they’ve got it down pat, then they will be up again wanting to party in the wee hours.   As far as I’ve heard, this goes into the toddler years too.  Personally speaking, no, I never thought that 10 months in, I would still be nursing him back to sleep 2-3 times a night, but it is what it is. Feeling like I have failed in this regard would be as ridiculous as feeling like I had failed if my baby couldn’t breastfeed. You know how ridiculous it is when there are some nurses or people that annoyingly claim there is “no baby that can’t latch”, “all babies like swaddles and soothers”, etc. This is nuts. My son hated the swaddle and soother.  I know people who have done everything right and their babies just wouldn’t breastfeed; or their bodies didn’t produce enough milk. Nothing they did wrong, just another example of how complex and different babies are. It is our job as mothers to overcome the challenges by trusting our instincts and modifying our approach in a way that makes them feel comfortable, safe and secure. The rest will figure itself out. As long as your baby is fed, cuddled and, at the bare minimum, loved to the best of your abilities, you’re doing everything right and will have no regrets. The same goes for sleeping, as far as I’m concerned. I can try the methods that some mothers swear by and which have worked overnight for them, but ultimately I need to have no expectations, be innovative, strong and do what feels right.  I am treating this as more of a milestone, despite what textbooks may say.  The same way I wouldn't sit down and force him to try and walk or talk on my schedule, I can’t force him to sleep before he’s ready.  You can help them and gently guide them using methods or tricks that help, but you can't force them.

2.) If you pick a method, be sure to give it a worthwhile shot and realize that they all come with pros and cons.

There are lots of methods to choose from but typically, you can’t have it all.  You have to realize that to have the flexibility to be able to do what you want, as well as a baby that’s on a strict routine, is pretty difficult.  If you have a baby that can flip-flop like this, enjoy!  What a treat.  Perseverance and consistency may not be the answer, but they definitely help.  Trying certain methods and powering through the tough parts of that method (and trust me, there are tough parts to all of them) is part of the journey.  Don’t give up too easily and also be sure to try different things.  You'll learn as you go. That’s what mat leave is all about, as far as I’m concerned; trial and error.

3.) When nothing works, create your own “method”.

The reality is that there may be no specific method or approach that works for you.  Maybe your baby is resisting it, or you aren’t comfortable with it.  Your baby is an individual and you will notice your own little tricks that work for you and your baby.  Things that work for you, would never work for another baby, and vice versa.  For me, I watch for very specific signs from my son; I know how to put him to sleep, how to know when he needs a nap, etc.  The little nuances of getting him to sleep would seem like trivial and silly little details to someone else, but to me they are critical and only I truly understand them.  There are many methods because not only are babies different, so are moms.  Our babies approach to sleep will match our personality and comfort levels.  Oh and there is a HUGE emotional component to this too that is going to profoundly impact people in different ways.  You have to work that into the mix too.

4.) Go with your gut instincts. 

At the end of the day, YOU need to be able to fall asleep on your own at night!  You won't be able to do this if you have spent the day going against your natural instincts with your child. There is no worse guilt than that of potentially failing to provide your child with what they need.  Regardless of how many people you talk to, how many “experts” you hire and how many family members will weigh in on this, only you know what your baby truly needs.  You are the expert on your own baby in everything.  You know when they are crying out of boredom, tiredness, expressing an “opinion”, playing, etc.  Use these cues to your advantage and ultimately, trust your instincts.  You will know when you’re better off letting them fuss to get to sleep because they desperately need it vs. they really need you.  Like every mom, I am totally in tune with my little one's cries, that I *think* I know when I really need to go to him. That said, sometimes I’ll have to admit, I usually just give him the benefit of the doubt. You see, for me, the line between the experts saying, “Never leave them if they truly need you and are in pain” vs. “leave them to fuss and cry so they learn to self soothe…and don’t give in, no matter what” is so incredibly blurred for me.  Seriously, go with your gut. You will never regret that.  And when you're not sure, just give them the benefit of the doubt.   My son has been sleeping terribly for the past six weeks.  I suspected that he was cutting his first tooth and overwhelmed by conquering a new major milestone (crawling and climbing) so I've responded to all his cries.  It's been an exhausting ride, being up again every two hours one night.  Actually the worst that he's ever slept.  Turns out, he just cut his first tooth and was battling some acid reflux.  I am so glad that I was there for him in the night when he was likely in pain.  Just like we, as adults, have times where we need more comfort and support from our loved ones, so do babies.  Learning to sleep is really tough and scary for most babies and just accept that it's a long process.

5.) Do your research, but take the “advice" with a grain of salt. 

Key word here: “advice”.  The books you read will make you feel like if you don’t do what they are suggesting, you are harming your baby in ways that have you screwing them up for life.  They write them like they are law, but really, they are just one approach.  No matter what you do, there will be a different style or method that is contradictory.  I have read Ferber’s book, Dr. Sears book…and most of the variations in between.  There will be a camp that will passionately convince you that if you help your child fall asleep every night you are depriving them of healthy sleep habits, it's detrimental to their health and they will never be able to fall asleep.  There is also a camp that believes that; sleeping with your baby, always going to them and making them feel secure the minute they cry or need you has long term benefits that far outweigh the sleep deprivation and dependency on you to sleep, that you will deal with in the early years with this approach. As much as you think there are experts and books on this, I truly believe that there is no “book” on how to get your baby to sleep.  I know people who have successfully “sleep trained” their baby in very gentle ways and are having great success following certain methods.  So if this is you, you are very lucky. Keep it up!  This is not always the norm though…and that’s OK too. Regardless of whichever approach you choose, rest assured that your child will survive to tell the tale.

6.) Don’t obsess and stress over it.

This is easier said than done.  Sleep will be all new moms will talk about.  One of my best friends hit the nail on the head when she said that it's like talking about religion in the mommy world.  It's a hot topic, for sure.  The reality is that nothing may work for awhile and broken sleep is just your reality for a little while.  Maybe your baby is resisting it, or you aren’t comfortable with it.  Everything is a phase that will come and go.  I have been dealing with a couple months of sleep "regression" according to one approach and sleep "progression" according to another approach.  See what I mean?  There isn’t a way to really train your baby to sleep that is fully in your control or that any expert or doctor would fully agree to.  If you’re doing something and it works, keep doing it.  If it’s not working, just try the next day or sit on it for awhile and see if it works itself out. Know that regardless of what you’re doing now in terms of your baby and sleeping, you will 100% have a teenager who refuses to get out of bed one day.   This will come sooner than you think and you will then laugh about how much you obsessed over “getting your baby to sleep".  Have I lived this?  No.  Has this been the ONLY consistent piece of parenting/sleep advice I’ve ever come across?  Yes.  And I believe it.  Enjoy these precious days with your baby.  All the little fleeting moments that you are just trying to "get through" will probably be some of the happiest moments of your life.

7.) Find a sleep pattern/solution that fits your lifestyle. 

You need to be happy and healthy to be the best mom/parent for you baby.  If you try and force-fit an approach that doesn’t fit your lifestyle, you won’t be happy and all every baby wants (even more than a good night’s sleep) is a happy and healthy mama.  Especially considering that we spend the better part of days as circus clowns, which is exhausting enough! I always wanted a versatile baby that could nap-on-the-go when necessary and be somewhat flexible with days that followed different patterns, so we keep relatively busy and go out most afternoons after a good morning nap.  To some this may seem like I am not worried about napping.  Make no mistake though, that as laid-back as I may seem, I constantly have a little stop watch going in my head thinking about when he needs to sleep next…and how I’m going to do it.  I watch for his cues for naps and act on them.  I just try and make sure he gets at least one or two good naps in a day and a solid bedtime routine, consisting of an earlier bedtime…partially because he has responded best to this and partially becuase it gives me time with my hubby and some flexibility to have my own life after 7:30.  I don’t tend to need a lot of sleep, so this works for me.  Maybe you’re someone that needs a lot of sleep and likes/needs your days more predictable, which I totally get.  In that case, you should probably follow more of a daily naptime routine or approach that helps you with this.  If you want, there are different approaches that can make your day quite predictable and somewhat “in your control”, which has many benefits too.  Some days, I actually long for this.  In my case, I have a baby who likes me to put him to sleep.  This means that I am home every night to put him to bed and with him all the time usually during the day, to make naps easier to work in.  This works for me but for some women this wouldn’t be possible or the dependency would be seen as a bad thing.  Whatever path you choose to incorporate sleep into you and your babe’s lifestyle needs to be realistic and work with you. 

8.) Take the good with the bad.

This is advice that I got from my yoga teacher/friend that sticks with me in everything I do.  It definitely applies to parenting, but in MAJOR extremes.  There are the days of ‘This is amazing, I want 10 more’, then there are the days of ‘I can’t take another day of this’.  It’s all part of the ride.  Maybe your baby isn’t catching on to the sleeping thing as quickly as other babies and it’s been more of a struggle, but they are eating like a champ and progressing in other ways.  Celebrate the small wins and maybe focus your attention on the importance of nutrition for awhile, as opposed to sleep.  Maybe they are super dependent on you still and need you multiple times in the night.  Just work this into your routine and enjoy those quiet moments with them.  You will yearn for those moments one day and they pass so quickly.  It’s hard to have the foresight to realize this when you’re exhausted and up for the fourth time that night, but I have had enough people tell me to savour this that I really try to hang off that advice, if nothing else.  Accept that your sleep is screwed up for the foreseeable future and as long as you have little ones.  Stop waking up disappointed or criticizing yourself.  When things seem to be going perfectly, they may get challenging again.  Anyone I know with little ones, regardless of the approach, has had to get used to sporadically being nocturnal. There is always something and it’s our job as a mom to be flexible and adapt.

9.) Ask your partner for help.

Whether it be for someone else to go in and rub their back till they fall asleep, someone to make you dinner or someone to take a "shift" while you go nap, you absolutely need help when it comes to the sleep deprivation of new mommyhood.  You're in this together and your partner may not know how to help until you spell it out for them.  Some people I know have had their partners be the one to put down their babies at night because they found they didn't put up a fight with them.  Or, some people take turns on weekends "sleeping in".  It's OK to ask for help. You're tired.

10.) Talk to your friends.

You will usually find out that you're not alone and "sleeping through the night" means many different things to many different people.  Also, reaching out on the mommy groups you are part of may provide you with some tips on things you haven't thought of.  Moms can get pretty creative when it comes to getting their babies to sleep!  Some people may find this confusing, but I love hearing all the different perspectives.  In my case, I have friends and family who are supportive and offer solutions or tips that helped them.  Or maybe your friend has tried something that's working that you wouldn't have thought of.  This can provide you encouragement.  After you talk to other moms, you'll realize that this whole sleep issue isn't as polarized as it may seem in the books.  The different parenting styles out there are a huge melting pot now, which is so cool and gives you so many options to try.

11.) Know your breaking point.

There may come a point where a good attitude, caffeine and patience just aren't cutting it anymore.  Maybe you'll notice you just aren't yourself, you haven't had a dinner with your spouse/partner in months or even a had a minute alone to just "be".  Maybe you're up every hour in the night and you know that your little one is tired during the day and not coping as well.  Maybe you'll feel that you just can't cope with one more night of broken sleep, especially if you are going back to work or dealing with other little ones.  Maybe you're lashing out at loved ones or your little ones and turning into someone you know isn't you.  If you are just fed up with no sleep and need help there are many books you can google or sleep experts who will come in and help you solve your problem. I've seen many families do it.  Literally, sometimes the problem is solved overnight. Most of the time within weeks they have a baby who doesn't sleep, sleeping through the night.  You can only tough it out so long before it becomes too much.  That's OK too.  We all have different breaking points.

So, hang in there momma.  Feel free to; nurse them to sleep, rock them to sleep, let them cry a little, don’t let them cry at all, CRY WITH THEM (it happens), sleep with them, don’t sleep with them, give them a soother, don’t give them a soother.  Whatever it takes.  Being a new mom is hard and sometimes you just have to do what works.  I don't want this to come across like I don't think sleep is important, because it is.  It SO is.  It's important for their health and our health.  But just remember that it's not everything and most people have a really hard time with this.  Know that regardless of how long your baby is sleeping at night, you are doing your best and inevitably, they will sleep.  The fact that you even got to the end of yet another long article about babies and sleep, shows you care.  You are doing everything right.  Oh and some days you just have to say “eff it” and let them fall fast asleep on you.  Feel their tiny bodies melt into you and hold their little hand in yours, holding onto them as tight as you can.  It’s the best freakin’ feeling in the world.

Modernmommycollective.com  was created by Andrea Mercer and a "social hub for all things mommy-ish". Andrea a hip everyday mom who sheds a positive light on motherhood. Alongside a strong Facebook following, the blog features sweet personal anecdotes, fun and interesting articles, inspiring messages and chatter amongst real moms. The curated content focuses on health and wellness and everyday parenting issues. Andrea distills down all the confusing parenting advice into how a real mom actually survives through it all, with a smile (and probably spit up) on her face.  Share in her journey, chuckle along, relate, learn and be inspired at modernmommycollective.com .  Also, be sure to join her Facebook page "The Modern Mommy Collective".