When you’re young and perky and glowing, the idea of menopause equates to the end of your enjoyable adult life. It is far away, something that happens to older women who seem a bit crazy and have wiry grey hair that they’ve given up dying. And then, you have children or find the love of your life – or both, or neither – and the passage of time ceases to be observed. You forget that you’re supposed to be ageing because you feel the same inside as you did in your 20s. Well, except for the desire to go out at 11pm to start the party.
The year I turned 40 didn’t actually feel monumental, as it was happening. I had a few health issues that eventually got resolved, we moved out of the city and into the suburbs…and I started perimenopause. Only I didn’t realize it for nearly six months. Instead, I asked myself again and again, in each and every scenario, “Am I going nuts?” When I finally asked that question with my outside voice, my husband replied, “No. I’ve noticed you having hot flashes for the last six months.”
Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me. You. Bastard.
Having finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together to make one magnificent picture of a woman ageing far earlier than she expected, I now wish to present a fun game for all the women reading. It’s called, “Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s perimenopause?”
1. I wake up and the pillow feels clammy. Is it just cold? No, it’s wet. My damn pillow is wet. Maybe she’s born with it? I must’ve drooled in my sleep. A lot. Or maybe I got overheated? I used to be so chilly at night though. Maybe it’s perimenopause? Those are night sweats, my friend. Welcome to the next 10 years of your life.
2. It’s a weekday morning and I’m drinking my first cup of coffee. I’m also running around the house like a chicken with her head cut off, chasing after my kids to get ready for school. I feel like I’m burning up from the inside, I’m so hot. May she’s born with it? Clearly, I’m stressed out, like many moms are in the morning. And moving around a lot makes the blood pump and warms up your body. Plus, the temperature inside the house is always so high first thing in the morning! Maybe it’s perimenopause? Dude, you just walked your kid to school in sub-zero temperatures without a coat. It’s a hot flash.
3. I could have sworn my period came just 24 days ago. Why is it back again? Maybe she’s born with it? I’ve been really stressed lately, and I think that can affect your hormones and make things wonky. I’m sure that’s it. Maybe it’s perimenopause? If it were just this one symptom, I’d give it a pass. Paired up with all these other lovely symptoms? I can see where this is going.
4. My boobs hurt so much! And I swear it’s not related to just one time of the month, and I don’t think I feel any kind of lumps. What the hell is going on? Maybe she’s born with it? I probably have breast cancer. This sucks. Maybe it’s perimenopause? I just looked up “tender breasts” online, and since I know I’m not pregnant and most breast cancer doesn’t actually hurt at all, there’s a good chance this is…yeah, you guessed it
5. I may kill someone today, or at the very least, chew someone up and spit them out. I hate everyone and everything, I’m going to rage against the fridge (that’s a machine, isn’t it?), but then I’m probably going to sob like a Hollywood movie starlet for virtually no reason. Maybe she’s born with it? My husband might insist that I’ve always been like this, but I’m calling bullshit. Maybe it’s perimenopause? Definitely, because I HAVE NOT ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS!!!!!!!
Perimenopause is turning out to be quite the joyride of symptoms. I had no idea you could start as early as 40 and neither did many of my friends, but here we are, hitting middle age. There’s something about it that feels strangely reminiscent of puberty, except we’re smarter, we tolerate less BS, and we know our worth now. So bring on the change. I will embrace it as best I can while giving the process my best middle finger as well. Because hot flashes.
